Pain is crippling. Fear of what the future holds inhibits one from moving forward. Too much hurt gives a person more reason to rely on his own realities so he can hide and take comfort in his own sorrow.

Sometime in the first quarter of this year, I had what I would call my personal hiatus.  A decision that backfired on me, broke me and my faith, even my will to face the day.  I saw my life deteriorate. I was a walking soulless woman.  I still went to work, but always came in to and left the office late.  Drowned in work, I reached home tired.  I couldn’t sleep and when morning came, I dreaded waking up.  Sleep became my solace.  The lonelier I became, the more I kept things to myself.  Fearing no one will understand and that no one will care.  I was restless.

It was a Monday and today’s gospel was what we reflected on.  It was there that I felt it.  Calm washed over me.  Something comforted me.  As what our priest said, we can only experience the Lord when we are in a community.  How long have I not received Holy Communion?  Half a year already because I can’t seem to bring myself to confess.  I am a lector, who is on leave.  How long I have not taken the time to share my worries to the Lord, I cannot remember.

The gospel today is the most fitting description of what I went through.  The disciples were locked in the room for fear of the Jews.  Then Christ appeared in their midst, offering His peace.  It was like attending Neo Jeremiah’s session that slowly brought me in this state.  I was a Thomas.  I lacked faith in things I cannot hold and see.  In between work and sleep, I got friends checking on me and one of them is a dear friend in Team Neo Jeremiah.  Was it a mere coincidence that during those times that a bible study session was scheduled, she reported to work, which happens to be in the same place where I work?  And as I rode home with her, it was so hard for me to decline her offer to join my decade old organization again.

The Monday evening when we reflected on today’s Gospel was the first day of the octave of Easter.  And it was when I realized why I am at peace.  The Holy Spirit had been working in me without my knowing.  I had the urge to confess on a Holy Wednesday, had my first communion for so long during the Last Supper on a Maundy Thursday.  I even attended the vigil after the mass. I pushed myself to join the procession on a Good Friday with my lector group.  I also assisted the Salubong program on the dawn of Easter Sunday.   And the best part is, I am sharing all these activities with friends at Church.

Christ calls us to share Him to others.  To not allow crippling situations limit us in putting our faith in Him who alone can give us peace, the comfort that nothing in this world can give.  To not stop us in sharing ourselves in His Church again.  To go beyond closed doors.  Hurting?  In pain?  Feeling alone?  Doubtful what the future brings?  May this second Sunday of Easter fill us with peace in the midst of our brokenness and be able to live thru the dawn of our sorrows.  My hiatus has not ended yet.  There is no guarantee when it will.  But I am at peace now, and it is in the resurrected Christ that I no longer feel alone and in fear.

~ MM

Source: Neo Jeremiah Voice of the Young Prophet Newsletter April 23, 2017 issue.